Brings Me To Tears

Broken lives. Broken homes. Depression, stress, despair.
Everywhere I look I see ghosts. The dead walking. The blind fumbling around in the dark.
I see them all around me.
It hurts me.
It strikes the deepest pain into my heart. A pain that couldn't be achieved by any affliction to me.
Seeing them so hurt, so restless, so lost, it breaks my heart.

Every time they feel pain, a tear steams down my face.
Every time they fall, I cry out.
Seeing their brokenness, breaks me apart.

God help them.
Lord, free them from their afflictions and chains.
God, be there for them.

Hear the cry of Your child and answer the call of Your saints.
Raise them up unto You. They need You. We all do.

God, bring this verse to fruition, I pray. 

Psalm 107:28-29
Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble,
    and He delivered them from their distress.
He made the storm be still,
    and the waves of the sea were hushed.

Bring peace and rest.
Come Lord Jesus, come.

Sometimes I Feel Like A Monkey

It's really hard to let go. Sometimes I feel like a monkey.
Those don't seem to have anything to do with each other, so let me explain.
In Africa, there is a breed of monkeys that have some very interesting habits of putting their hands where they don't belong. (Quite literally)
What trappers will do is place a piece of candy in a small hole inside a tree. Now the little monkey will scamper up to the tree to get the treat. In order to get its hand in there, it has to close its palm.
So, it's hand is in the tree and it has the candy. But, the hole is too narrow for the candy and its open hand to get out of. But, instead of letting go of the candy and running away, the monkey just sits there trying to get its hand out until the hunter comes along and hits it on the head.

And so, for that reason, I am sometimes like a monkey, not willing to let go.
Recently, some relationships have really been fading away and a whole season of my life is suddenly vanishing all together. It's becoming hard to remember what it was like. Change is accruing and recently, I've not been able to accept it. I keep trying to reach back and grab what was, but I need to move on. Maybe, one day, I come back there, but today is not that day. I need to accept where I am now. 'Cause if I don't I'm going to miss some awesome stuff.

Part of that is all my amazing friends at my school. God has been showing me more and more that this is the group of people that He really wants me to grow with. And, what that fully means, I don't know, but I do know that God has big plans, and I would love to be a part of them. And, tomorrow, I'm leaving to go on a retreat with all of them, so I'm really excited. I pray that God works in unimaginable ways there. And also, I pray that He teaches me further how to let go and follow after Him in faith.

So Much (Time)

So many paths, so many choices, so many moments, memories, ideas, thoughts, feelings. So much. So much that I can't grasp, that I can't remember, that I can't fully know. There's so much, I can't ever get it right or understand it.
Years have elapsed like seconds, and days have passed like centuries. Time is in flux.
My life is not bound by my schedule or plan, or the time frame of anyone else on this earth.
Friends, family, strangers, they are all on a clock that I cannot see.
And, all of it, every single bit is bound together and known by someone I can't comprehend.
I can't see it. I'm blind to all of it. I lose perspective and chase fruitless endeavors.
I'm lost and broken. How can I see it? There's just so much.

What if I sought to learn and learn and learn. Would I then know the time?
I would not.
Everything is leading up to this moment. This moment I can't see. No one can see it.
All life, all lose, all misery, all pain, all love, all hate, everything here will just stop.
The clock is ticking. I can't see it, though.

I'm so focused on me that I forget to care. I forget to breathe. I get lost in myself and forget to look up. So, is that my problem? Do I just need to look up? I feel the sky pulling me to it, but is it just that simple. Isn't there more. Don't I have to do something special? I'm here for a reason. Shouldn't I be living perfect, shouldn't I be more.

If I know anything, I know we have little time, so I should be doing something. But, every time I try,
I come back to me.

I'm out of time. And, all I can get is this,
I'll never know the time here. I'll never be right in myself.
I am a failure. I'm a mess up. I can't ever do enough or do it right.
The day is coming and I won't be ready.
I was born into a failing world, and I was born into darkness.
I am human. I am lost.

But God.

So, that's it. It's just Him.
When I don't know, He does.
When I can't see, He can.
When I'm lost, He finds me.

So, it's just Him. I don't have to do anything but go after Him.
I don't have to know everything, 'cause He does.

Wow, that's a relief.