The Boy and the Bridge

His eyes drifted across the long, narrow bridge
Fog encompassed the bridge so that he could only guess at it's length
If his guess was accurate though there were over three hundred and sixty steps - probably more

His breathing grew sharp as he strained to keep air going to his lungs
He looked down to see shaking hands and unmoving feet
He closed his eyes, hoping to wish it all away - hoping to hide from the weight of it

Eyes rose again as he tried to pull himself together and get himself to move
He needed to be brave, courageous, strong
But all his heart could claim to be was terrified, overwhelmed, weak

Abruptly an echo reached his ears, shattering the silence of his world
His eyes jerked in the direction of the sound
The fog parted for an instant and there, past the bridge, stood the girl - waiting

His eyes suddenly couldn't make her out and he realized they were damp with tears
He dried his eyes quick as he could but when he looked again there was only fog
So he looked down to the first step in front of him

He still didn't feel brave or courageous or strong
But he had somewhere to be and he wasn't about to let his insufficiencies stop him
He stepped onto the bridge

The Boy and the Chasm

He didn't find solace in a punching bag
all he got was bloody hands

He couldn't find peace in memories
all he could see were his mistakes

He couldn't find relief in food or drink
his body wouldn't allow him either

He couldn't find reprieve in the stars
they seemed all too distant that night

He couldn't find hope from a friend
no one was there

It was just him - alone
desperately alone

He sat and cried
because there was nothing else for him to try

He cried until his eyes were done exercising
but the chasm remained

Finally he called out to the only one left to listen

"Will you make me joyful?
Will you make me smile?
Will you make me laugh?
Will you be my joy?"

The wind chilled his shirtless body
as he sat upon the roof waiting

No words came
but when he stood to leave he realized he could

The weight had diminished
the chasm was lessened

He shimmied down the ladder
and went inside to find his dad and tell him the day's events

Today: The Here and Now

A man once told me, "When you're running you don't look at the horizon. You'd trip. And you don't stare at your feet either. You look one or two steps ahead and then take those steps."

I'm a horizon chaser.
I set my eyes on the mountains and ponder how to conquer them while I hardly notice the boulder I just climbed over.

I forget today for tomorrow is all my brain lets me consider.
I just want to be old. I want to be creaky and tired but have had my whole life worked out.
I want to think upon when I was young and all the things I did and laugh at my stupidity and silliness.
But for some odd reason I find it difficult to live out those memories right now.

In the end though, what's the point of getting on with one's life if you forfeit the joy of today?

Today I decided to start challenging myself with that question.
I stepped outside and opened my eyes to today and this is what I saw:

Driving on the road I let a man in a truck pull in front of me and he gave me a short, quick wave of his hand in gratitude.

Leaving the coffee shop this morning I rushed to pull my car out so that the lady behind me could pull out easily and she gave me a kind smile.

The receptionist at my appointment today smiled at me so I talked with her and she gave me a snippet of what her life looked like.

Going into a store I started a conversation with the proprietor of the establishment and learned about her life and what was going on with the store.

I walked past a old man and wordlessly nodded and he nodded back.

These are the joys of being alive today. Small but so very impactful and so very important.
I'm so glad I didn't miss them.

Grey Hair

Meeting other twins is astonishing.
Each so different yet so similar. They're so separate yet such a team.

I suppose meeting those two twin boys this morning prompted me to reexamine the social miracle provided in the twin relationship.

So for all of those who over the years have asked me or my brother what it's like to be a twin, I'm sorry that my answers at the time were lame. I hope this will give you a slightly more realized insight into my experience as a twin.

Comparison. This is probably the most significant struggle I have encountered as a twin. It's natural and everyone has been compared to others at some point, but not as critically or with such regularity that twins undergo. Honestly, comparison was one of the most damaging aspects of my childhood and adolescence. I ingrained that comparison within me and unconsciously compared us in nearly every situation. The result was an inferiority complex. Being the introvert between my brother and I, I didn't have the same social stamina as him and my needed alone time seemed to me a weakness instead of a wonderful aspect of my personality.

I don't mention this to pout, rather to illustrate the social intensity that can occur within such an intimate relationship.

Shared experience. Want to know how we can say the same thing at the exact same time or guess what the other person is thinking? We have all the same experiences. We know all the same jokes, we went to all the same places, we read all the same books, we did everything together. It wasn't until he picked up piano at age ten that there was much of a differentiation in experience between us. This shared experience is one of the most lovely parts of the relationship. It's what old couples achieve after decades of marriage or best friends touch on through adolescence. I love my brother's faults. Though I may take the brunt of them the majority of the time, I love him entirely. Because I know him. Not entirely, no, but enough. I know what advice he'll give me before he gives it and vice versa.

That's probably the aspect of twins that most people overlook. There is the assumption of frustration and arguments, and yes we've had our fair share of both, but on the flip side there is such a beautiful intimacy that can be had.

Forever. My brother and I are a package deal. We let prospective romantic interests know early on that they can't have one brother closely in their life without the other as well. We've grow past codependency, but we are still very much a unit and a team. I know that nothing will ever break my bond with my twin. Honestly, nothing. And that's probably one of the more comforting things I've ever felt.

But I must remind you that for twins to work together well, it takes a lot of work. Like, a lot lot of work. As with any relationship, yes. We are strikingly different people and we still barely comprehend how the other person views life. But this relationship has sculpted my life to the extent that I properly cannot be successful in life right now without my brother.

I love my twin.
Because, when I was born, my best friend was born three minutes behind me.
And he will always be my best friend.

Silence

We cannot play the "what if" game
The only prediction of the future we can ascertain is it's unpredictability
When suicide - self-hurting - depression/anxiety - et cetera
are common it is reasonable that we desire something
Concrete - something of substance - surety - irrevocable

Concrete is gravel, small stones, and sand
molded together in a solidified state via water
Here lies the problem:
Life can not - does not stop
It is fluid
It must always progress
You can suppose at the flow
but you cannot foretell the ripples

Where is the "solid ground"
Where is the "rock"
Where is the stability
Where is the understanding
Where do we go

Silence

We must learn to wait
Stop
Listen

Find peace in the silence of
mind - body - heart
for in that His voice is made loud in your ears

In the chaos we are deaf
In the silence we hear

Search out the daily silence

Find

Solitude

Dragons

To the girl on the bus drawing dragons,

Don't stop.

You're an amazing artist.

Don't let it go.

You're a beautiful person.

Don't let this world quench you.

You're gonna make it.

Don't think you're weak.

You are alive and breathing, you're far from helpless.

I hope the best for you.

P.S. I'm sorry for not telling you this in person.

Overland

"'One word, Ma'am,' he said, coming back from the fire; limping, because of the pain. 'One word. All you've been saying is quite right, I shouldn't wonder. I'm a chap who always liked to know the worst and then put the best face I can on it. So I won't deny any of what you said. But there's one thing more to be said, even so. Suppose we have only dreamed, or made up, all those things – trees and grass and sun and moon and stars and Aslan himself. Suppose we have. Then all I can say is that, in that case, the made-up things seem a good deal more important than the real ones. Suppose this black pit of a kingdom of yours is the only world. Well, it strikes me as a pretty poor one. And that's a funny thing, when you come to think of it. We're just babies making up a game, if you're right. But four babies playing a game can make a play-world which licks your real world hollow. That's why I'm going to stand by the play-world. I'm on Aslan's side even if there isn't any Aslan to lead it. I'm going to live as like a Narnian as I can even if there isn't any Narnia. So, thanking you kindly for our supper, if these two gentlemen and the young lady are ready, we're leaving your court at once and setting out in the dark to spend our lives looking for Overland. Not that our lives will be very long, I should think; but that's a small loss if the world's as dull a place as you say.'" - Puddleglum's Speech, The Silver Chair