Shards of My Soul

A Broken Bottle.

Replace some of the pieces.
Build it back up.

Repeat.
And Repeat.
And Repeat.

Until it's done. Pure.
Giving a perfect reflection.

Shard by Shard.

Who We Are

The Human Condition.

This term is used by theoretical physicists and psychologists alike in the attempt to describe, to quantify, to categorize the actions and ideas of humanity.

They take long strides in the effort to explain what exactly we are. 
How we think, why we do what we do, the very nature and core of us.

Because, no matter what any Atheistic Evolutionist tells you, we are different then all the other creatures and beings in our entire galaxy. Unlike the rest of the creations across the vast expanse of this reality, we are more than just flesh. There is more to us then simply the physical or mental.

And, many wise and educated men spend their lives trying to mark down and explain this phenomenon, this extraordinary fact that exists inside humans.

And so, men unknowingly try to comprehend the spirit using the tools of the mental and cognitive mind.

This would be the point where I would go off on a long raving rant about how one can only come and communicate to God through spirit.
And, that's all true, but I want to touch on a different matter right now and actually dig into what humanity really is as an entity.

For most of my life I thought that in order to get to God I had to put away humanity entirely and step into something else.
Now, it is true that we become something new when we come to the Lord, but I no longer believe that we are supposed to leave our humanity behind.

Instead we are to ascribe to a different definition of humanity.
Before Adam sinned and brought upon all of his descendants the nature of sin, he was a different type of human. One without sin. And fashioned in the likeness of God.
Because God is perfection, what is fashion to be like Him is thus perfect as well.
When we are born into this world, we are born with sin and lack that perfection.

But, I believe that when we come to the Lord, we do not lose our humanity, but instead take on what it truly means to be human.

What we lose is the sinful nature. We take on the nature of the Lord instead.
And Jesus would be the example of the perfect human. (100% God, 100% man)

So all of these wise men of science have a misconception.
They are viewing the nature of what it means to be human from the wrong side of the cross.

For, when you accept Jesus into your life, you truly become human.

Brings Me To Tears

Broken lives. Broken homes. Depression, stress, despair.
Everywhere I look I see ghosts. The dead walking. The blind fumbling around in the dark.
I see them all around me.
It hurts me.
It strikes the deepest pain into my heart. A pain that couldn't be achieved by any affliction to me.
Seeing them so hurt, so restless, so lost, it breaks my heart.

Every time they feel pain, a tear steams down my face.
Every time they fall, I cry out.
Seeing their brokenness, breaks me apart.

God help them.
Lord, free them from their afflictions and chains.
God, be there for them.

Hear the cry of Your child and answer the call of Your saints.
Raise them up unto You. They need You. We all do.

God, bring this verse to fruition, I pray. 

Psalm 107:28-29
Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble,
    and He delivered them from their distress.
He made the storm be still,
    and the waves of the sea were hushed.

Bring peace and rest.
Come Lord Jesus, come.

Sometimes I Feel Like A Monkey

It's really hard to let go. Sometimes I feel like a monkey.
Those don't seem to have anything to do with each other, so let me explain.
In Africa, there is a breed of monkeys that have some very interesting habits of putting their hands where they don't belong. (Quite literally)
What trappers will do is place a piece of candy in a small hole inside a tree. Now the little monkey will scamper up to the tree to get the treat. In order to get its hand in there, it has to close its palm.
So, it's hand is in the tree and it has the candy. But, the hole is too narrow for the candy and its open hand to get out of. But, instead of letting go of the candy and running away, the monkey just sits there trying to get its hand out until the hunter comes along and hits it on the head.

And so, for that reason, I am sometimes like a monkey, not willing to let go.
Recently, some relationships have really been fading away and a whole season of my life is suddenly vanishing all together. It's becoming hard to remember what it was like. Change is accruing and recently, I've not been able to accept it. I keep trying to reach back and grab what was, but I need to move on. Maybe, one day, I come back there, but today is not that day. I need to accept where I am now. 'Cause if I don't I'm going to miss some awesome stuff.

Part of that is all my amazing friends at my school. God has been showing me more and more that this is the group of people that He really wants me to grow with. And, what that fully means, I don't know, but I do know that God has big plans, and I would love to be a part of them. And, tomorrow, I'm leaving to go on a retreat with all of them, so I'm really excited. I pray that God works in unimaginable ways there. And also, I pray that He teaches me further how to let go and follow after Him in faith.

So Much (Time)

So many paths, so many choices, so many moments, memories, ideas, thoughts, feelings. So much. So much that I can't grasp, that I can't remember, that I can't fully know. There's so much, I can't ever get it right or understand it.
Years have elapsed like seconds, and days have passed like centuries. Time is in flux.
My life is not bound by my schedule or plan, or the time frame of anyone else on this earth.
Friends, family, strangers, they are all on a clock that I cannot see.
And, all of it, every single bit is bound together and known by someone I can't comprehend.
I can't see it. I'm blind to all of it. I lose perspective and chase fruitless endeavors.
I'm lost and broken. How can I see it? There's just so much.

What if I sought to learn and learn and learn. Would I then know the time?
I would not.
Everything is leading up to this moment. This moment I can't see. No one can see it.
All life, all lose, all misery, all pain, all love, all hate, everything here will just stop.
The clock is ticking. I can't see it, though.

I'm so focused on me that I forget to care. I forget to breathe. I get lost in myself and forget to look up. So, is that my problem? Do I just need to look up? I feel the sky pulling me to it, but is it just that simple. Isn't there more. Don't I have to do something special? I'm here for a reason. Shouldn't I be living perfect, shouldn't I be more.

If I know anything, I know we have little time, so I should be doing something. But, every time I try,
I come back to me.

I'm out of time. And, all I can get is this,
I'll never know the time here. I'll never be right in myself.
I am a failure. I'm a mess up. I can't ever do enough or do it right.
The day is coming and I won't be ready.
I was born into a failing world, and I was born into darkness.
I am human. I am lost.

But God.

So, that's it. It's just Him.
When I don't know, He does.
When I can't see, He can.
When I'm lost, He finds me.

So, it's just Him. I don't have to do anything but go after Him.
I don't have to know everything, 'cause He does.

Wow, that's a relief. 

I'm In A Depicament (A Depressing Predicament)

It's been a long time. A very long time.
I'd like to say that life is confusing and that's what has prolonged a postings, but the reality is, it's not.
Life is quite simple. There are absolutes. There is right and wrong.
People though, (can be, through their own choices) confusing.
And that's what I've began to see in my life.

I never believed that I had it down, that life was easy, but I did think that I had good standards and that if I remained in them I would be okey. I knew I had to do the Lord's will and walk in His ways. And I thought that I was doing alright. I had something going. I knew what I was doing. (Seeing a theme?)

Anyway, caught up in my own selfish contempt I opened my self up to evil in a way I never expected.
And, when it came, I didn't rely on the only true God, whose power is the only things worth relying on. No, I chose to lean on my self. (And If you've ever tried to lean on your self it doesn't really work out to well.)

Due to this decision, I found myself in a depressing predicament (or as some call it, a depicament).
Like I do, when something very not-so-good is going on in me,  I secluded myself into the back recesses of my mind, trying to hide from the world and even God. When this happens, my entire personality changes. I come from my normal overly talkative and annoyingly energetic self to a quite secluded self who talks rarely.

In this time many things happened. I stepped into a period where I knew I was outside of God's will and I hated it, but through emotion and flesh, held my self back from coming before God and finding hope in His blood. To be brutally honest, that period sucked. And, I hated being like that every second.
Now it made me realize, that people permanently live like that. I can't understand how they can bare to live like that, but from a personal stand point, I'm so glad it's over.

When you lose something, you become much more grateful for it than ever before.
For all those Pixar fans, it's like the main character in Brave. After having something taken away from her all she wanted was for it (her mother) back. She didn't ask anything else, she she realized how much she loved her and all she could do was want her back.

So in that sense, when I stepped out side of the will of God, all I wanted to do was get back into it.
And just like the movie, through a miraculous miracle (for me, Jesus' blood.) I got back what I lost.

Inside Out

Recently God's been talking to me about ruling the spirit. Our actions we take don't happen randomly. The way we live reflects what is inside. Which means that if your spirit is not in God than it is impossible to surrender anything to God.

Through out my life I'm constantly giving this and that to God and my life is getting cleaned up. But sometimes I focus on just giving God that one thing and not why. I focus on the sin or habit that I'm giving God and not on the reason why.

If your spirit is in God, if your spirit is in complete submission to Him, then your actions and everything else will follow. You have to deal with the inside before you work on the out side.
Check your heart. Where is it? What do you truly love? What you love will be shown in how you live. The outside will prove the inside. So you have to fix the inside.

Matthew 23:26
²⁶ You blind Pharisee, first clean the inside of the cup and of the dish, so that the outside of it may become clean also.

Give God the inside and the out side will follow.