Wander

a

little










farther

אמת

Truth

“The perfection that we can muster up.”
“The love that we can convey.”
“The vulnerability that we give to others.”
“The only thing that’s real.”

I am an imperfect man living in a shattered world.
Crawling to my feet, crawling to see the light, straining to see the understanding.
What can I give to this world? What can I give to my loved ones? What have I to offer?

My love? Yes. But how?
How do I say it, how do I show them, how do I convey the cascade of blood pumping within my soul?

Truth. All I can offer. All I can give. I’ll give you the truth and no lie.
I’ll give you the reality and nothing but. Here’s my heart, I’m not hiding it.

This is my turn. You can rub up next to me, wrap your arms around, sit quite close.
But I don’t feel that. So I’ll give you what I can.
I’ll speak the language I’ve been taught by my heart and my soul.
This is honesty. This is truth. My love for all of you.

I will not lie, because I love you.
On the day that I lie to your face, you have found a man who loves no more.
Pray you don’t find me there.

Here I am.
A man who loves with a word of truth and a sentence from his heart.
I’m not hiding. Look inside. This is me.

Micah 7:8

I laugh so I don't have to cry.

I smile so I don't have to moan.

I sing so I don't have to wail.

I dance so I don't have to crawl.

I live so I don't have to die.

I am joyful even if not happy.
I am alive even if surrounded by death.
I have hope even when broken.
I've found love even in desolation.

I am not strong, but I am sustained.

I am not good, but I am filled.

I am not able, but I am walking.

I will fall, but I will rise.

I will walk in darkness, but the Lord will be a light unto me.

Shell

          I looked in the mirror.

          That's not me.

          I stared deep into his blue eyes.

          No. That can't be me. I'm me and that... isn't.

          His eyes followed my every movement.

          How am I so different from this? This is what everyone else sees.

          But not me. I know what's deeper. That can't be me.

          I spoke to the man in the glass.

          What are you to me? What do I do with you?

          The man just blinked and walked away.

Difficulties

Life is hard.
It's a constant battle that we most often feel we're losing.
And there are many enemies that we fight.
The mountains that stare us in the face.
The difficulties that rival our faith.
And somewhere along the way we lose perspective and shatter.

Well, that's what I've seen in my life.
But no matter how far I run, or how broken I get,
there is always something that remains the same:
His love, His Spirit, His joy.

A song:
Only You can love me
Even as I break Your heart
Only You can break me
And remake me into something new 
~ Made New

Job 5:18
For He wounds, but He binds up; He shatters, but His hands heal.

God's will has always been upon my life.
Sometimes I've listened, other times not.
But no matter how much I lose myself or I feel that I've lost God,
He's still there.
He hasn't changed.
His will is still better.

But the thing is, I like running. It's easy.
And hiding, I like that too.
In the nature of humans,"Fight or flight,"
I have always chosen the latter.
But, for some reason it never works.
And it accomplishes the opposite of what I want.

Psalm 139:8
If I ascend up into heaven, Thou art there: 
if I make my bed in hell, behold, Thou art there.

But the Holy Spirit always draws me back.
From tears He brings me to a loving embrace.
And He encourages, He builds up.
He restores.

Even still, I never think I can do enough.
I lack faith, and I lack trust in the Lord.
Because I rely on my power and ability.
And in my pursuit to do everything I can to help others, I just end up being a weight.
Then condemnation sets in. And again, I want to run and hide.

But every time, God is there.
Every time I'm broken, He mends me.
For He alone is my salvation.

Matthew 11:28-30
"Come to Me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you, and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy, and My burden is light.”

The first two verses have always been easy to understand and a constant comfort that I have turned to for encouragement in all times.
The last verse has often confused me.
"For My yoke is easy, and My burden is light.”

In that statement, God wasn't promising an easy life.
I don't see it as so.
What I'm learning is that He was promising one thing:

Himself.

Because He is all we need.

Psalm 23:4
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

מדוע

Why do we write?

      Because we want to be heard?

      We want to be known, cared for, loved?

Why do we hide?

     Maybe it's so that we don't get hurt.

     Or that we don't hurt others. 

Why do we hope?

     Because without it, we can't change?

     Or because it's the only thing we have left?

Why do we despair?

     Probably because we think there is better that could be had, yet out of reach.

     And that there could be something more, but we don't think we can get it. 

Why do we love?

     Because without it, we're empty shells?

     Or that it's the only thing that can fill us up?

Why do we ask questions?

     Because we long for rest and truth.

     For without Truth, we are but ghosts, hopeless and forever lost.

For Every Beautiful Wallflower

Feeling like no one understands. That the whole world is spinning around you, but somehow it's leaving you behind. That it just keeps on racing and you sit and watch as your future runs away.

That is part of what it means to be human, for each of us feel that.
For each of us to feel alone.

We see the pain and the sorrow and we ask if love is worth it.
We live in the regret and the anguish and we wonder if we can really make it.

How can something so broken ever be made whole?
How could I ever be anything for you?

We hope we can rise, for we fall, but we seem to fall farther then we rise.
And slowly we feel that we were never alive in the first place, that we never breathed the mountain air.

Our glasses tint red and soon we lose sight of the love that was the point in the beginning.
And so we either let go and stop, or we fall and fall and fall again.

Pain seems all that love can produce when we wear those shaded eyes.
When we walk blind to love, life's purpose soon passes away.

Yet we strive to think of it. That blissful ideal.
That we could be happy, that we could learn to live.

Though we want to thrive in this life, we are barely surviving.
How can we hold others up if we can't stand ourselves?

How can we love when all we can give is shards?
And what is love then, if it is only to instigate pain?

                   ~~~

Because we forget.
We were created to be beautiful.

We were fashioned in the likeness of perfection.
And that original ideal has never left the Potter's mind.

For love, it was never the thought to leave brokenness to itself.
Because without the gaps, love has no place to fill.

We're broken to love and be loved.
And in that moment, when light and love meet us...

We are alive