I laugh so I don't have to cry.
I smile so I don't have to moan.
I sing so I don't have to wail.
I dance so I don't have to crawl.
I live so I don't have to die.
I am joyful even if not happy.
I am alive even if surrounded by death.
I have hope even when broken.
I've found love even in desolation.
I am not strong, but I am sustained.
I am not good, but I am filled.
I am not able, but I am walking.
I will fall, but I will rise.
I will walk in darkness, but the Lord will be a light unto me.
Thursday, March 6, 2014
Sunday, March 2, 2014
Shell
I looked in the mirror.
That's not me.
I stared deep into his blue eyes.
No. That can't be me. I'm me and that... isn't.
His eyes followed my every movement.
How am I so different from this? This is what everyone else sees.
But not me. I know what's deeper. That can't be me.
I spoke to the man in the glass.
What are you to me? What do I do with you?
The man just blinked and walked away.
That's not me.
I stared deep into his blue eyes.
No. That can't be me. I'm me and that... isn't.
His eyes followed my every movement.
How am I so different from this? This is what everyone else sees.
But not me. I know what's deeper. That can't be me.
I spoke to the man in the glass.
What are you to me? What do I do with you?
The man just blinked and walked away.
Saturday, February 8, 2014
Difficulties
Life is hard.
It's a constant battle that we most often feel we're losing.
And there are many enemies that we fight.
The mountains that stare us in the face.
The difficulties that rival our faith.
And somewhere along the way we lose perspective and shatter.
Well, that's what I've seen in my life.
But no matter how far I run, or how broken I get,
there is always something that remains the same:
His love, His Spirit, His joy.
A song:
Only You can love me
Even as I break Your heart
Only You can break me
And remake me into something new
~ Made New
Job 5:18
For He wounds, but He binds up; He shatters, but His hands heal.
God's will has always been upon my life.
Sometimes I've listened, other times not.
But no matter how much I lose myself or I feel that I've lost God,
He's still there.
He hasn't changed.
His will is still better.
But the thing is, I like running. It's easy.
And hiding, I like that too.
In the nature of humans,"Fight or flight,"
I have always chosen the latter.
But, for some reason it never works.
And it accomplishes the opposite of what I want.
Psalm 139:8
If I ascend up into heaven, Thou art there:
if I make my bed in hell, behold, Thou art there.
But the Holy Spirit always draws me back.
From tears He brings me to a loving embrace.
And He encourages, He builds up.
He restores.
Even still, I never think I can do enough.
I lack faith, and I lack trust in the Lord.
Because I rely on my power and ability.
And in my pursuit to do everything I can to help others, I just end up being a weight.
Then condemnation sets in. And again, I want to run and hide.
But every time, God is there.
Every time I'm broken, He mends me.
For He alone is my salvation.
Matthew 11:28-30
"Come to Me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you, and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy, and My burden is light.”
The first two verses have always been easy to understand and a constant comfort that I have turned to for encouragement in all times.
The last verse has often confused me.
"For My yoke is easy, and My burden is light.”
In that statement, God wasn't promising an easy life.
I don't see it as so.
What I'm learning is that He was promising one thing:
Himself.
Because He is all we need.
Psalm 23:4
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
It's a constant battle that we most often feel we're losing.
And there are many enemies that we fight.
The mountains that stare us in the face.
The difficulties that rival our faith.
And somewhere along the way we lose perspective and shatter.
Well, that's what I've seen in my life.
But no matter how far I run, or how broken I get,
there is always something that remains the same:
His love, His Spirit, His joy.
A song:
Only You can love me
Even as I break Your heart
Only You can break me
And remake me into something new
~ Made New
Job 5:18
For He wounds, but He binds up; He shatters, but His hands heal.
God's will has always been upon my life.
Sometimes I've listened, other times not.
But no matter how much I lose myself or I feel that I've lost God,
He's still there.
He hasn't changed.
His will is still better.
But the thing is, I like running. It's easy.
And hiding, I like that too.
In the nature of humans,"Fight or flight,"
I have always chosen the latter.
But, for some reason it never works.
And it accomplishes the opposite of what I want.
Psalm 139:8
If I ascend up into heaven, Thou art there:
if I make my bed in hell, behold, Thou art there.
But the Holy Spirit always draws me back.
From tears He brings me to a loving embrace.
And He encourages, He builds up.
He restores.
Even still, I never think I can do enough.
I lack faith, and I lack trust in the Lord.
Because I rely on my power and ability.
And in my pursuit to do everything I can to help others, I just end up being a weight.
Then condemnation sets in. And again, I want to run and hide.
But every time, God is there.
Every time I'm broken, He mends me.
For He alone is my salvation.
Matthew 11:28-30
"Come to Me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you, and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy, and My burden is light.”
The first two verses have always been easy to understand and a constant comfort that I have turned to for encouragement in all times.
The last verse has often confused me.
"For My yoke is easy, and My burden is light.”
In that statement, God wasn't promising an easy life.
I don't see it as so.
What I'm learning is that He was promising one thing:
Himself.
Because He is all we need.
Psalm 23:4
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
Sunday, December 29, 2013
מדוע
Why do we write?
Because we want to be heard?
We want to be known, cared for, loved?
Why do we hide?
Maybe it's so that we don't get hurt.
Or that we don't hurt others.
Why do we hope?
Because without it, we can't change?
Or because it's the only thing we have left?
Why do we despair?
Probably because we think there is better that could be had, yet out of reach.
And that there could be something more, but we don't think we can get it.
Why do we love?
Because without it, we're empty shells?
Or that it's the only thing that can fill us up?
Why do we ask questions?
Because we long for rest and truth.
For without Truth, we are but ghosts, hopeless and forever lost.
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
For Every Beautiful Wallflower
Feeling like no one understands. That the whole world is spinning around you, but somehow it's leaving you behind. That it just keeps on racing and you sit and watch as your future runs away.
That is part of what it means to be human, for each of us feel that.
For each of us to feel alone.
We see the pain and the sorrow and we ask if love is worth it.
We live in the regret and the anguish and we wonder if we can really make it.
How can something so broken ever be made whole?
How could I ever be anything for you?
We hope we can rise, for we fall, but we seem to fall farther then we rise.
And slowly we feel that we were never alive in the first place, that we never breathed the mountain air.
Our glasses tint red and soon we lose sight of the love that was the point in the beginning.
And so we either let go and stop, or we fall and fall and fall again.
Pain seems all that love can produce when we wear those shaded eyes.
When we walk blind to love, life's purpose soon passes away.
Yet we strive to think of it. That blissful ideal.
That we could be happy, that we could learn to live.
Though we want to thrive in this life, we are barely surviving.
How can we hold others up if we can't stand ourselves?
How can we love when all we can give is shards?
And what is love then, if it is only to instigate pain?
Because we forget.
We were created to be beautiful.
We were fashioned in the likeness of perfection.
And that original ideal has never left the Potter's mind.
For love, it was never the thought to leave brokenness to itself.
Because without the gaps, love has no place to fill.
We're broken to love and be loved.
And in that moment, when light and love meet us...
We are alive
That is part of what it means to be human, for each of us feel that.
For each of us to feel alone.
We see the pain and the sorrow and we ask if love is worth it.
We live in the regret and the anguish and we wonder if we can really make it.
How can something so broken ever be made whole?
How could I ever be anything for you?
We hope we can rise, for we fall, but we seem to fall farther then we rise.
And slowly we feel that we were never alive in the first place, that we never breathed the mountain air.
Our glasses tint red and soon we lose sight of the love that was the point in the beginning.
And so we either let go and stop, or we fall and fall and fall again.
Pain seems all that love can produce when we wear those shaded eyes.
When we walk blind to love, life's purpose soon passes away.
Yet we strive to think of it. That blissful ideal.
That we could be happy, that we could learn to live.
Though we want to thrive in this life, we are barely surviving.
How can we hold others up if we can't stand ourselves?
How can we love when all we can give is shards?
And what is love then, if it is only to instigate pain?
~~~
Because we forget.
We were created to be beautiful.
We were fashioned in the likeness of perfection.
And that original ideal has never left the Potter's mind.
For love, it was never the thought to leave brokenness to itself.
Because without the gaps, love has no place to fill.
We're broken to love and be loved.
And in that moment, when light and love meet us...
We are alive
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
Open Book, Open Heaven
"A teacher never talks during a test, but I've got good news. It's always an open book test." -Jabin Chavez
I first heard this when a speaker at a large retreat was preaching about a year ago. I stood up in the presence of a thousand others youths and screamed, "amen" with my dear brother. It wasn't until quite recently, though, that that quote actually really tangibly made sense to me.
After leading a worship set for a small congregation a bit ago, a lady shared something with me. She opened up about a vision that she had whilst I was leading worship. As she talked to me, she explained how when I was leading worship and when I was praying, the heavens had opened up and those praises and those prayers had gone right up into heaven. Then, streaming lights began to fall down upon the earth, lighting it up.
I was amazed.
Worship had been awesome and it had been a superb time seeking the Lord, but what she said opened my eyes to something I never imagined. After just walking though a huge season of struggle and being in one at that time, to hear something like that blew my mind.
"The truth is right in front of you. Can you see it?" -Rich Harris
I thank the Lord that He holds onto us though it all.
And, as it says in 2 Timothy 2:13, "if we are faithless, He remains faithful— for He cannot deny Himself."
He is always there.
"God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in times of trouble." -Psalm 46:1
Saturday, November 2, 2013
Words Will Never Be Enough
I've been wanting to say something for so long. I want to get it out.
My heart wants to scream, just to scream.
It seemed there is little holding me back from completely going over the edge. Which is odd. I've never really thought about actually losing it. It's an interesting state of inquiry. Some days I can see the line and hear the quiet whisper pulling me into reason and purpose. Sometimes I walk simply as a ghost. Either I have my eyes on reality, or I don't.
Yup, I'm human.
Oh, how I long to step fully into reality and be rid of my self-inflicted state of confusion.
I don't know. I never know. I never will.
And that's okay. I know I don't have the answers, I have peace with that.
But being so lost and broken is... exhausting.
Sometimes I can see the ground under me, sometimes not.
God, I need you.
So much desperation. There is no question about it.
It's either Him or nothing. I have no choice but to say, "I trust You."
I have no "Plan B." There is no contingency plan.
Everyday He has to show up.
Without You, I am nothing.
"Our Father in heaven, hallowed be Your name. Your kingdom come. Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread. And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors. And do not lead us into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one. For Yours is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever. Amen."
My heart wants to scream, just to scream.
It seemed there is little holding me back from completely going over the edge. Which is odd. I've never really thought about actually losing it. It's an interesting state of inquiry. Some days I can see the line and hear the quiet whisper pulling me into reason and purpose. Sometimes I walk simply as a ghost. Either I have my eyes on reality, or I don't.
Yup, I'm human.
Oh, how I long to step fully into reality and be rid of my self-inflicted state of confusion.
I don't know. I never know. I never will.
And that's okay. I know I don't have the answers, I have peace with that.
But being so lost and broken is... exhausting.
Sometimes I can see the ground under me, sometimes not.
God, I need you.
So much desperation. There is no question about it.
It's either Him or nothing. I have no choice but to say, "I trust You."
I have no "Plan B." There is no contingency plan.
Everyday He has to show up.
Without You, I am nothing.
"Our Father in heaven, hallowed be Your name. Your kingdom come. Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread. And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors. And do not lead us into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one. For Yours is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever. Amen."
Lord, help me.
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